My therapist always says two months in any odd person’s life is like three or four days in mine. It’s true. I’m constantly subject to some ache or pain, vertigo, whiplash, bla bla bla. Currently seething on the couch — a consequence of my own choice to settle. What is the gap I am trying to fulfil in myself? Am I jumping the gun?
Saturday started as a colossal disappointment; nothing my girlfriends can’t fix. I cut my hair, which turned out desired and I got for free through the promise of an exchange. I share with her my gift, she gives me the best blow-out I’ve ever had; in fact, the best haircut I have ever had. This post is an effort to fill a pit in my stomach that I’ve felt since around 9:13am. Why are people so non-committal?
Things always happen to me when I can’t abruptly pause my life and fly home — my mom’s going to live in England for nine weeks anyway, so going home would be really odd. My mouth tastes funny. I want to run away from myself for a bit, in the effort of running away from being ran away from. Still don’t have a solid job for the start of the new year, so that’s a fuck up. Will God listen to me this time, like He did in March when I made a stupid promise to the universe?
Probably not.
I like immediacy, I like intensity, I like a little whirlwind. I think that can be intimidating for some people. I like to think I move with conviction, some people can’t see through it and others can. I’m starting to feel less apologetic about all my thoughts and feelings and opinions. It’s okay to not agree with everyone, it’s okay to want to figure it out on my own. Sometimes I do feel a little stranded, but that’s my own problem and I must find my own solution.
Frustrated, confused and angry. There’s no remedy, no cure. I have to feel it through. This post is in a last ditch effort to not keep checking my phone for validation, for a muted response. I’m not doing a very good job; my dad always says an empty mind is a devil’s workshop. Trying to find a silver lining in it all, trying to find the dodged bullet everyone keeps talking about.
I have to remind myself things come and go and they arrive to serve a purpose - no matter the duration - and only then they leave. Feeling slightly indenial. Whatever, gotta look at the facts, even if the facts suck. No more self-subduing. No more concessions and exceptions. Better to be a fool than a player.
I don’t have all the answers yet but I know there is more chaos to come. Has to be.